So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
