I am puke
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
