Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
third nipple confirmed
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
