I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
