Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
