His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
