Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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