God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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