Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
