I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
