I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
