Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
