My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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