I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
