The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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