I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
