i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
