She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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