Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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