Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
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