if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
