can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
