just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
