just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
