she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
