Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize