did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
