we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
