at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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