i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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