I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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