I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
