Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
