I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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