There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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