wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
