whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
