Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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