the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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