Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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