Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
