So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
