i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
