Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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