apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
