He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize