tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You ate ashes out of my bong
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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