i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
