I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
