I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
