i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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