I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It was a blind-side dick pic.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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