haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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