that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
