I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
