she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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