I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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